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Malk & Kookies - The Malkavian Tabloid August 2000


MALK & KOOKIES Vol.1 Iss.4

Yes, I know August is almost over, but itís been a crazy, crazy time this
summer (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. BTW, Ozmo says that the
toilet swirl for the Southern Hemisphere really sucks. I donít know if thatí
s an insult or a compliment). Had to move out of my apartment and ended up
in Houston, Texas. They made me go. LSJ decided the Austin Playgroup was too
powerful and unbalanced, so we had to rearrange things (I even heard he
might make The Lasombra play with only one eye during tournaments). And on
top of all these things, July-August is considered Wacky Torpor Time for
these Malks, so getting any articles out of them as been like pulling fangs.
So donít kill me, but I had to go to a City Gangrel for some content. Hope
to see everybody in New Orleans, preferably from the back of a moving pickup
truck (so I can laugh as they chase me for winning all the victory points,
even from the tables I didnít sit atÖ

IN THIS ISSUE:

RULINGS & CLARIFICATIONS
NEW ďSPECIALĒ CARDS
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
POETíS CORNER
CARD OF THE MONTH
DECK OF THE CENTURY

RULINGS & CLARIFICATIONS
by Greg Faulkner a.k.a. The Cheetah

Just recently, WotC handed over to White Wolf all information regarding the
research and design of the original Jyhad card set. When that information
was received, a discovery was made that the original Jyhad
set had several misprints that were never corrected in the Vampire
re-release. Cards like "Boxed In" and "Growing Fury" had minor typos that
went completely unnoticed by the editors. Few people realize that
"Boxed In" was never intended to be a combat card at all. Now that the
information has been fully recovered from WotC, we can release to you the
true text of these cards as they were intended:

Boxed Inn (formerly known as Boxed In)
Master - Malkavian
Unique location.
Only useable when a Malkavian you control is in combat with another minion.
Tap this location before range is determined to trap the opposing minion in
an invisible box. The minionís controller must "mime" the remainder of
combat.

Growing Furry (formerly known as Growing Fury)
Combat - Protean
Normal: Only useable before range. The opposing minion takes 1 damage during
strike resolution due to an allergic reaction with "kindred dander". Effects
are negated if the opposing minion has animalism.
Superior: As above, but the damage can not be prevented.

Aaronís Nail Clipper (formerly known as Aaronís Feeding Razor)
Unique Equipment Ė 1pool
Once each combat, the minion equipped with Aaronís Nail Clipper may cancel
the effect of a Wolf Claws or Claws of the Dead played by an opposing
minion.

Talbotís Riding Lawnmower (formerly known as Talbotís Chainsaw)
Unique Equipment Ė Vehicle Ė 3 pool
The minion equipped with Talbotís Lawnmower may take a +1 stealth action to
burn a location. A minion may have only one vehicle.


NEW ďSPECIALĒ CARDS
By Imogen

I like new cards, the way they smell, like a bloody hand, Iíve just got to
lick Ďem!
WACKY TORPOR TIME
Master Out-Of-Turn
Playable only when pizza arrives. All vampires go to torpor and all allies
are burned. Vampires cannot be rescued from torpor or brought into the
controlled region until all pizza has been finished.

EXTRA FUN
Master
Put this card in play and name a set of Methuselahs. Those Methuselahs now
have +3 fun. A minion can take a D action to burn this card Ė if he/she does
so, remove that minion from existence (rip that card in half).

THE 7th TRADITION
Reaction
Untap a ready Prince/Justicar who can attempt to block an action at +2
intercept. If the block is successful, the Methuselah controlling the
opposing minion burns 2 pool. Before combat occurs, this Prince/Justicar
creates a Progeny (non unique vampire skill card) with 2 blood, places 3
blood from the Blood Bank to a younger uncontrolled vampire, fills up to
capacity, and burns any vampires that have committed diablerie since your
last turn. The opposing minion then enters combat with the Progeny.

YOU THINK YOUíRE BETTER THAN ME?!?
Reaction
Untap a ready Archbishop/Cardinal who can attempt to block an action at +2
intercept. If the block is successful, the Methuselah controlling the
opposing minion burns 2 pool. Before combat occurs, this Archbishop/Cardinal
creates a Creation Rite (non unique vampire skill card) with 2 blood, places
3 blood from the Blood Bank to a younger uncontrolled vampire, fills up to
capacity, and burns any vampires that have committed diablerie since your
last turn. The opposing minion then enters combat with the Creation Rite.
Can only be played if there is a Prince in any Methuselahís ready region.

YOUíRE A LOSER
Master Out-Of-Turn
Playable when a Methuselah is ousted or successfully withdraws. Place X
counters on this card, where X is the number of Victory Points that
Methuselah has accrued. That Methuselah then loses all victory points they
had accrued. Any minion may take an action at Ė2 stealth to remove a counter
from the card. Doing so earns that minionís Methuselah 6 pool and a victory
point. Burn this card when all counters have been removed, or when fire is
set to it and the Methuselah who played it.
Superior Text: You may play this card even if you are not playing in the
current game. Just grab the counters and run.

GET OUT OF TOWN
Master
All Methuselahs in the current game must help you move or you may burn all
of their locations.


HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
By Normal

Itís kind of a tough unlife, man, when the Man is coming to get ya and the
sounds of the underground pound down on your brow, man. Sometimes I wish I
could fly, cause it hurts when ya fall down, ya know, man? I really get down
when Iím listening to Nirvana and I start to cry tears of blood, man, big
tears, dude.
I canít continue.

POETíS CORNER
By Zebulon

Like a fool I went and stayed too long
Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong
Oo baby, here I am, signed, sealed delivered, I'm yours


CARD OF THE MONTH
By Ozmo
Okay folks. Iím not going to do Card of the Month. Iím gonna do AssCard of
the Month. And itís NORMAL. What a whiny little bitch! NORMAL blows chrome
off of Price Pfister faucets. All heís got is Obfuscate. ďOOH Iím hiding!
Canít catch me! BOO!Ē  Trouble is, you can still hear his whiny little @!##
Someone give me a flame-thrower! ARRGH! Tickle this +1!!!


DECK OF THE CENTURY
By Rafaele Giovanni

BLEED YOUR TRUE ENEMY
Crypt
2 Hannibal
2 Korah
2 Rafaele Giovanni
1 Claven
1 Gilbert Duane
1 Yorik
1 Normal
1 Dollface
1 Watenda

Master
4 Dementation
2 Obfuscate
4 Life Boon
4 Major Boon
2 Elysium the Arboretum
1 Asylum Hunting Ground
1 Institution Hunting Ground

Action
20 Kindred Spirits
12 Night Moves
4 Dramatic Upheavals

Action Modifiers
A bunch of stealth

Reaction
A bunch of bounce
Malkavian Rider Clauses

Combat
A bunch of run away

How the deck works:
Bleed your predator up to the point of ousting. When he/she is ousted by
their predator, play Life Boon. Then switch places with them and bleed your
new predator. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Rafaeleís comments:
We all know who the real enemy is: your predator. Why play this little
mamby-pamby baby game when we know who is trying to get us. This way, you
can screw them and win. Make them eat the deeyock.


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