Malk & Kookies Vol.1 Iss.3
Well, I guess I have finally recovered from DragonCon enough to put together
another issue of the Malkavian tabloid, written by Malkavians for anyone
unfortunate enough to be in range. I've been living on Totino's Party Pizzas
(@ $1.00 apiece), so my brain is not in its most nourished state. I'm broke.
I spent all my money at DragonCon on cab rides, food which required an
hour-long wait in line, and the pick-up tournament @ $10 a game. Speaking
of the pick-up tournament, Norm, I paid you the entrance fees, what were the
results? Who won the 3 cases of Sabbat? Swamp Archon, when I paid you for
the tenth round, you said I was in the lead. Get back to me on that. Oh
well, I guess I can just move to Atlanta and be a taxi cab driver. These
guys are the biggest f;;;in crooks! Anyway, the Malks really wanted to do a
"How to" issue, so.enjoy? Next month we'll have some featured cards from the
filthy Gangrel Lover Greg Faulkner - if he can send them to me again.
IN THIS ISSUE:
How to drive a cab
How to cheat people
How to drive a cab and cheat people
How to drive a cab after you've killed the cab driver
How to trick someone in your playgroup to wait in line at Wendy's for 2 hours
How to kill someone in your playgroup after they tricked you to WILAWF2H
How to win a constructed deck tournament
How to sucker someone into paying for pick-up games
How to cheat your guests (if you are a Sheraton Hotel)
How to express bitterness, rage, and despair as light comedy
Card of the Month
HOW TO DRIVE A CAB:
Step 1: Dominate some Kine.
Step 2: Make them drive you around.
Step 3: If you're in a hurry, ghoul them to drive faster.
(I can't drive a cab. I'm "as blind as a bat, while you have sight". Sheez.
I'm not even supposed to be writing this. I'm the featured poet in "Poet's
HOW TO CHEAT PEOPLE:
By Dr. Jest
Step 1: Tell them one thing.
Step 2: Do another.
(Wait a minute. You're supposed to get some money from them, somewhere
between steps 1 & 2. Hmm, screw this. Discard that.)
HOW TO DRIVE A CAB AND CHEAT PEOPLE:
Step 1: Move to Atlanta.
That about covers it. Oh wait, I forgot to add the following: leave the
meter off and add hidden charges.
HOW TO DRIVE A CAB AFTER KILLING THE CAB DRIVER:
By Yorik (me again, alas poor me)
Step 1: Move to Atlanta.
Step 2: Do it.
HOW TO TRICK SOMEONE IN YOUR PLAYGROUP TO WAIT IN LINE AT WENDY'S FOR TWO
Step 1: Say something like, "But I'm in the finals!"
Step 2: If they try to say something back, cancel it.
Step 3: Keep Step 1-ing.
HOW TO KILL SOMEONE IN YOUR PLAYGROUP AFTER THEY TRICKED YOU TO WILAWF2H
Step 1: Dodge.
Step 2: Additional Strike.
Step 3: Coma
Step 4: Amaranth.
(Don't &*^$ with me, I'm a Bishop!)
HOW TO WIN A CONSTRUCTED DECK TOURNAMENT:
Step 1: Misdirect.
Step 2: Misdirect.
Step 3: Scrape the cheese off your cheesy-ass deck.
Step 4: Misdirect.
HOW TO SUCKER SOMEONE INTO PAYING FOR PICKUP GAMES-cancelled- (ed.)
HOW TO CHEAT YOUR GUESTS (IF YOU ARE A SHERATON HOTEL):
Step 1: Advertise 24-hour room service.
Step 2: When they ask for room service, tell them they can't have it.
Step 3: Tell them nothing exists near the hotel except for the Hunger, the
Draining, the Beast, things like the Beast, maybe the Beast's cousin.
Step 4: Use Forgotten Labyrinth and steal 2 blood during checkout.
HOW TO EXPRESS BITTERNESS, RAGE, AND DESPAIR AS LIGHT COMEDY:
By Gilbert Duane
Don't ask me, ask the stupid editor. And take some water in your eye from my
CARD OF THE MONTH:
This month, we'll be looking at Aura Reading. It's a good card to play at
both inferior and superior. I can use both. Who am I kidding. This card
sucks. The editor wanted me to talk about Aura Reading, but it blows goats
compared to the Sim City Mayor card. If you don't agree, tickle me +1.
(editor's note - You don't have to tickle him if you don't want to.)