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Malk and Kookies - The Malkavian Tabloid June 2000

Malk and Kookies - The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss.2

Edited by Mike Ooi

IT'S.time for another edition of Malk & Kookies, the tabloid written by
Malkavians for the infotainment/frustration of V:TES players everywhere. It'
s been a helluva month, trying to keep all these loonies in line, making
them keep their deadlines, trying to convince them that while the office
feels like an asylum at times, it is not a "free" hunting ground. LSJ, they'
re still pissed about that one. Once again, please feel free to submit any
ideas, suggestions, praise, and articles to shang@texas.net, and please feel
free to submit any complaints to "Upstreamer" at saark5@yahoo.com (and he
still smells - ed.). I know it's hard letting these Malkavians put a tabloid
together, but maybe once we've got the kinks ironed out.
-Mike

IN THIS ISSUE:

GEOMANTIC NONSENSE - NONESUCH!
SERIOUS TOURNAMENT WINNING STRATAGEMS
POET'S CORNER
CARD OF THE MONTH
VAMPIRE OF THE MONTH
DECK OF THE MONTH

GEOMANTIC NONSENSE - NONESUCH!
By Greger Anderssen

Growing up in Stockholm, I have had many an opportunity to delve into the
exciting world of geomancy. Much like ice fishing, geomancy is a very
peculiar pastime: if you don't jump in enough, you get nothing; if you jump
in too far, your testicles shrink to the size of raisins; you have to jump
in just enough. Wait. I didn't grow up in Stockholm. I grew up in Jamaica.
There is no ice fishing in Jamaica. Where did I learn about geomancy? Please
write to us and tell us what it is. You will do this now.

SERIOUS TOURNAMENT WINNING STRATAGEMS

-ADDING EROTICA TO ANY TOURNAMENT DECK
By Dancin' Dana

While there are many articles on strategy, few take into account the ability
to influence the metagame outside of the cards in your hand. V:TES is a
game, like any other card game, like poker, which is a card game, which I am
very good at, like V:TES. What I mean to say is that like poker, betting
clothes is a viable option in V:TES (It's not. Try convincing a pizza place
that they can still sell buffet plates with your naked ass sitting there  -
ed.). No, I meant like poker, bluffing and cheating are very important in
V:TES. So you all know how to cheat, but do you all know how to bluff?
Bluffing is important to the strategy of adding erotica to your playing
repertoire.
1. If you are going to use erotic stratagems, you must pack your crypt with
sexy vampires, i.e. no Nosferatu. This will give players "erotic sustenance"
as they gaze on the lovely vampires. Be sure to run the gamut of sexy, from
waif to hunky chunk of undead love. But no Nosferatu. You don't want to
excite a player who is aroused by Nosferatu.
2. Second, use sexy cards like Govern the Unaligned and Bonding. You don't
want to ruin the mood with cards like Corpse Minion or Storm Sewers. Yecch.
3. Third, you have to change your voice into a sexy siren call - a breathy,
heady rush of excitement. If you announce to your prey that you are
attempting to Govern their Unaligned, they might let you do it if it sounds
sexy. Likewise when they attempt to block, play Bonding in such a way as to
excite your prey's passion.
4. Tell your prey how sexy it is to let a predator bleed them out. Say
"bleed" as sexily as you can. Draw out the "blee" and slightly raise your
eyebrows on the "d". Yeah, that's it.
5. When your prey attacks your predator, let out small orgasmic squeals to
excite them into furious combat.
6. If you're an unattractive person, reverse all of the above.
Why is bluffing important to this strategy? If your playgroup is anything
like mine, you definitely won't want to actually deliver on any of these
hints of naughtiness. Don't even think about touching me.

POET'S CORNER
By Zebulon

You are the sunshine of my life,
That's why I'll always stay around,
You are the apple of my eye,
Forever you'll stay in my heart

CARD OF THE MONTH:
Open Grate
By Ozmo

Open Grate has got to be the best card in the game. It requires no
discipline and you can throw it at someone and boy does it hurt. What do you
mean it doesn't do damage in the card game? You ever get hit by a solid
chunk of metal square in the head? Well you can still throw the card at the
person you're in combat with! Aim at their eyes. Tickle me.

VAMPIRE OF THE MONTH:
Rex the Necronomist
By Watenda

Rex is AWESOME! He has Potence, Protean, AND Vicissitude and only costs 3
pool. He's so cool he has to pay an extra blood for ANY combat cards you
use, even discipline-less cards like Fake Out (or Open Grate - ed.). When he
gets into combat, you can see him just start to shake like he's about to
explode. And that's usually what he does after the first round of combat,
spewing his vitae all over the place.

DECK OF THE MONTH:
Burn Baby Burn
By Roxanne

Crypt:
12 Iliana

Master:
5 Ascendance (more if you can get them)
5 Deal with the Devil
2 Vicissitude
3 The Barrens

Combat cards:
35 Weather Control
10 Reform Body

Action Cards:
10 Rapid Healing

Action Modifiers:
10 Dawn Operations
10 Freak Drive


Put Vicissitude on Iliana. Bleed. When blocked, play Dawn Op. In combat,
play as many Weather Controls as it takes to burn the opposing minion before
range is determined (or as many as you want to cycle your hand). Play Reform
Body. Play Freak Drive. Play Rapid Heal. Do it again. Kill the little $#@$@!
I hate those little #@#@#* Weenies! Get em!


--
Mike Ooi
shang@texas.net


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