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MALK & KOOKIES The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss.7
NOVEMBER - TeeHee!


MALK & KOOKIES The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss.7 - NOVEMBER - TeeHee!

Well, itís about time all of you loyal readers congratulate these 
wack-a-day malarkers. Yes, the Malkavians (with the help of their 
Antitribu brothers in West Palm Beach County - Florida, you know, 
Miami - Sabbat Stronghold - ya dig?) have pulled off a great, great 
prank. Seems fitting that this is covered in Issue 7 - "7" being 
known traditionally as the number of perfection. And, all in all, 
I regard this as one of their greatest yet. Pranks, that is. This 
issue will probably suck like West Palm Floridians eating soup 
through their dentures. But anyway, my hats (yes, all of them) 
are off to these beautiful bastards. Enjoy!


IN THIS ISSUE:

TELEPATHIC VOTE COUNTING
VOTER CAPTIVATION
DELAYING TACTICS
MEDIA INFLUENCE
MIND OF A CHILD
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
POETíS CORNER
DECK OF THE MONTH
CARD OF THE MONTH


TELEPATHIC VOTE COUNTING

By Leandro

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to thank everyone in my clan for 
making this a success: Damaskenos, Victoria, that guy with the hair, the 
lady that farts all the time, and Squiggy. The rest of you have a lot of 
catching up to do. Itís time for some Consanguineous Boons, and you guys 
need to get on top of it. I know thereís some concern about the new-found 
strength of the Sabbat schmucks, so youíre going to need a little 
strategic advice.

Now one of the biggest obstacles is facing some super-voting bitch. Usually 
some bastard Cardinal or Regent that is Legendary in their own mind. I cannot 
stress enough how important it is to tell them to shut their lousy trap. This 
is easily done by conducting business in a Closed Session. None of their 
business, and if they stick their nose into it, let Greger pick it for them 
with a Wolf Claw. But how do you deal with some punk-ass non-clan Prince or 
even, dare I say it, some Etrius bitch? (Yeah you Etrius, Iím calling you out, 
if Tremere will even let you out of Vienna, Sausage!) Nice way to do it is to 
try some Telepathic Vote Counting. Shuts them up right quick. The nice thing 
is, sometimes the other bitches like to try this shite on us. Guess what we 
do? Itís so much fun when Kindred Coercion forces their little wooble-headed 
mongrel to vote how we say they vote.

The secondary way to use Telepathic Vote Counting is to screw with those 
dingbat Ventrue. "Iím gonna use the Elder Kindred Network against you!" 
Well BOO-HOO little smarty-pants, we fooled all of you! Fooly fooly fooly!

Alright, Iím outta here. I got some IC business to take care of, and I need 
to hurt some people making transfers. Word.


VOTER CAPTIVATION

By Cornelius Ottavio

Sometimes Leandro and I get thirsty. So you better fill us back up, 
or Iím telling Mom. MOM!


DELAYING TACTICS

By Damaskenos

Leandro asked me to talk to you about Delaying Tactics. Before we get to 
that, let me tell you how hard it is to be a Herald. Back when I was a 
mortal (yes, one of the Nelsons, those pop-rock long blonde-haired 
twins - ed.), it was hard to get up in the morning. Now, wouldnít you 
know it, itís completely the opposite! Actually, itís not. No wait, it is. 
Anyway, the thing is, you wouldnít believe what I have to do in a given 
night. Say this, proclaim that, usher in this, denounce that. Anyway, 
Delaying Tactics can be quite useful. Especially when - hold on a second, 
Iíve got another call coming in. Can I call you back? This line is really 
breaking up...


MEDIA INFLUENCE

By Ohanna

Media Influence? What are you asking me for? Let me rephrase that: 
WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR? WHO SENT YOU? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? 
TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME! Oh damn, I guess you werenít sired 
yesterday. NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!


MIND OF A CHILD

By Hannibal

Tee hee! Iíve been busy. Iíve been so busy. Guess where? Youíll never 
guess where. Never. Okay, Iíll tell you. Oregon. Thatís right, Oregon. 
Not Florida. Did you know the kine all vote by mail in Oregon? Tee hee! 
When did this happen? Tee hee! We had nothing to do with Florida. Tee 
hee! I need a snack. Where did Ohanna go?


HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT

By Normal

Down. Iím so down man. Things are tough man, tough like tough things are. 
Ozmo completely reamed Creed and it made me cry. I cried tears of blood, 
man. It hurts inside. Oh yeah, Iím also staked to a rooftop. Things are 
hard, man. Tough. Itís getting brighter.


POETíS CORNER

By Zebulon

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
Youíll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please donít take my sunshine away


DECK OF THE MONTH

By Sylvester Simms

SUPERPRANK, SHEíS A SUPERPRANK, SHEíS SUPERPRANKINí, OWW!
(to the Rick James tune)

CRYPT:

3 Gilbert
3 Ohanna
3 Normal
3 Brazil

MASTER

10 Parthenon
70 Malkavian Prank

ACTION

10 Rumors of Gehenna

Yep. Get out Gilbert. Donít block anything. Play as many Pranks 
as you possibly can. Fun.


CARD OF THE MONTH

By Ozmo

Wooden Stake. Yep. Gotta be Wooden Stake this month. Tickle me +1. 
Itís amazing what a little Auspex can do against a weenie obfuscating 
little beeyoch. Hey Normal, to quote the current kings of pop, 
"Bye bye bye."


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