MALK & KOOKIES The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss.7 - NOVEMBER - TeeHee!
Well, it’s about time all of you loyal readers congratulate these
wack-a-day malarkers. Yes, the Malkavians (with the help of their
Antitribu brothers in West Palm Beach County - Florida, you know,
Miami - Sabbat Stronghold - ya dig?) have pulled off a great, great
prank. Seems fitting that this is covered in Issue 7 - "7" being
known traditionally as the number of perfection. And, all in all,
I regard this as one of their greatest yet. Pranks, that is. This
issue will probably suck like West Palm Floridians eating soup
through their dentures. But anyway, my hats (yes, all of them)
are off to these beautiful bastards. Enjoy!
IN THIS ISSUE:
TELEPATHIC VOTE COUNTING
VOTER CAPTIVATION
DELAYING TACTICS
MEDIA INFLUENCE
MIND OF A CHILD
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
POET’S CORNER
DECK OF THE MONTH
CARD OF THE MONTH
TELEPATHIC VOTE COUNTING
By Leandro
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to thank everyone in my clan for
making this a success: Damaskenos, Victoria, that guy with the hair, the
lady that farts all the time, and Squiggy. The rest of you have a lot of
catching up to do. It’s time for some Consanguineous Boons, and you guys
need to get on top of it. I know there’s some concern about the new-found
strength of the Sabbat schmucks, so you’re going to need a little
strategic advice.
Now one of the biggest obstacles is facing some super-voting bitch. Usually
some bastard Cardinal or Regent that is Legendary in their own mind. I cannot
stress enough how important it is to tell them to shut their lousy trap. This
is easily done by conducting business in a Closed Session. None of their
business, and if they stick their nose into it, let Greger pick it for them
with a Wolf Claw. But how do you deal with some punk-ass non-clan Prince or
even, dare I say it, some Etrius bitch? (Yeah you Etrius, I’m calling you out,
if Tremere will even let you out of Vienna, Sausage!) Nice way to do it is to
try some Telepathic Vote Counting. Shuts them up right quick. The nice thing
is, sometimes the other bitches like to try this shite on us. Guess what we
do? It’s so much fun when Kindred Coercion forces their little wooble-headed
mongrel to vote how we say they vote.
The secondary way to use Telepathic Vote Counting is to screw with those
dingbat Ventrue. "I’m gonna use the Elder Kindred Network against you!"
Well BOO-HOO little smarty-pants, we fooled all of you! Fooly fooly fooly!
Alright, I’m outta here. I got some IC business to take care of, and I need
to hurt some people making transfers. Word.
VOTER CAPTIVATION
By Cornelius Ottavio
Sometimes Leandro and I get thirsty. So you better fill us back up,
or I’m telling Mom. MOM!
DELAYING TACTICS
By Damaskenos
Leandro asked me to talk to you about Delaying Tactics. Before we get to
that, let me tell you how hard it is to be a Herald. Back when I was a
mortal (yes, one of the Nelsons, those pop-rock long blonde-haired
twins - ed.), it was hard to get up in the morning. Now, wouldn’t you
know it, it’s completely the opposite! Actually, it’s not. No wait, it is.
Anyway, the thing is, you wouldn’t believe what I have to do in a given
night. Say this, proclaim that, usher in this, denounce that. Anyway,
Delaying Tactics can be quite useful. Especially when - hold on a second,
I’ve got another call coming in. Can I call you back? This line is really
breaking up...
MEDIA INFLUENCE
By Ohanna
Media Influence? What are you asking me for? Let me rephrase that:
WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR? WHO SENT YOU? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?
TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME! Oh damn, I guess you weren’t sired
yesterday. NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!
MIND OF A CHILD
By Hannibal
Tee hee! I’ve been busy. I’ve been so busy. Guess where? You’ll never
guess where. Never. Okay, I’ll tell you. Oregon. That’s right, Oregon.
Not Florida. Did you know the kine all vote by mail in Oregon? Tee hee!
When did this happen? Tee hee! We had nothing to do with Florida. Tee
hee! I need a snack. Where did Ohanna go?
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
By Normal
Down. I’m so down man. Things are tough man, tough like tough things are.
Ozmo completely reamed Creed and it made me cry. I cried tears of blood,
man. It hurts inside. Oh yeah, I’m also staked to a rooftop. Things are
hard, man. Tough. It’s getting brighter.
POET’S CORNER
By Zebulon
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away
DECK OF THE MONTH
By Sylvester Simms
SUPERPRANK, SHE’S A SUPERPRANK, SHE’S SUPERPRANKIN’, OWW!
(to the Rick James tune)
CRYPT:
3 Gilbert
3 Ohanna
3 Normal
3 Brazil
MASTER
10 Parthenon
70 Malkavian Prank
ACTION
10 Rumors of Gehenna
Yep. Get out Gilbert. Don’t block anything. Play as many Pranks
as you possibly can. Fun.
CARD OF THE MONTH
By Ozmo
Wooden Stake. Yep. Gotta be Wooden Stake this month. Tickle me +1.
It’s amazing what a little Auspex can do against a weenie obfuscating
little beeyoch. Hey Normal, to quote the current kings of pop,
"Bye bye bye."