Malk & Kookies The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss. 5
FINALLY, after many nights, I have put together a somewhat
coherent issue. You see, the Malks are Olympic FANATICS.
Apparently, one of their elders actually started the Olympics
as a typical Malkavian Prank. My house is in shambles. When
these guys get together to watch the special live broadcast,
they like to celebrate and carry on, much like frat guys watching
a football game. Try cleaning up after Lucian sets my TV on fire
with a Walk of Flames just because he thinks the medals should
be Newcastle Brown Ale bottle caps. I tell you, I think the
Olympics are a bad influence on them. This sudden surge of
Nationalism has them at each other's throats, and if I can't
keep the peace, there's gonna be trouble at the Closing Ceremonies...
IN THIS ISSUE:
MALKAVIAN OLYMPIC EVENTS:
MEN'S 4 X 100M PANTS-ON-FIRE RELAY
WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS DEMOLITION DERBY
SYNCHRONIZED SALAD DRESSING
FART JUMP
WOMEN'S JUMPING
FENCING
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
POET'S CORNER
CARD OF THE MONTH
DECK OF THE MONTH
MALKAVIAN OLYMPIC EVENTS
Anchored by Damaskenos
Welcome ports fans! I am Damaskenos, the herald of Leandro,
and as part of my duties, it is my duty to (im)part some of
my wonderful knowledge of ports. Ports are very important to
humans and vampires alike, as they can profit both types of
creature. Let me tell you about my favorite ports. New York
City is nice. So is Houston. San Francisco sucks, as does most
of Portugal. The nicest port I've ever been to must have been
Baltimore. Ports are very economically viable sources of
financial economy. Like a type of wine, ports tend to age very
well if they can keep up with the times. Some ports are very
original, almost vintage, while others seem mere copies of
something else. Ports can help with compatibility problems,
like the farmer and the cowhand that should be friends. One
thing to keep in mind is whether a port's ability can make it
easy for you to move around. I remember this time I was trying
to increase my import ants but the damn insects kept ruining
my business. They kept plugging up the wrong holes in my computer
and nothing could connect properly. In a parallel vein I spilt
my cereal into the keyboard. The insects ate up the mess, but
their antics had me removed from the country... what? Speak up,
Victoria, I can't hear you... Leandro wanted me to cover Sports...
not Ports... you're sure about this... look you little Setite bitch
MEN'S 4 X 100M PANTS-ON-FIRE RELAY
by Artemis
-This is a fun event. Get 4 male kine. Make them chase each other
around a city block. Set fire to the first male's pants. Get your
packmates to get their own team.
WOMEN'S GYMNASTIC DEMOLITION DERBY
By Zebulon
-During the women's gymnastics events, slightly move the horse when
they attempt a vault, or trip them when they tumble across the floor,
or grab their ankles when they attempt to do some flips. Oh yeah, be
invisible. If you've been watching the Sydney Games at all, you'll
know why I've been laughing so much lately. Of course, I'm blind, but
what do you know?
SYNCHRONIZED SALAD DRESSING
By Boy Toy
-Kidnap some stupid kine. Tie them to a chair. You and some buddies
take turns spraying them with ranch, thousand island, vinegar, bleu
cheese, French, and honey mustard, while the stereo plays the soundtracks
to various luxury car commercials.
FART JUMP
By Mariel, Lady Thunder
-I'm not even going to do this, you little spikes.
Make fun of my name, will ya?
WOMEN'S JUMPING
By Cornelius Ottavio
-Jump. Do it again. Someone will win.
FENCING
By Aleph (imitating Timothy Crowley)
-Race to see who can sequester 1 acre of prairie land. YEEHAW!
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
By Normal
It's tough smelling like teen spirit. I just wanna fight some foos.
Grohl grohl grohl I grohl at an alley cat and it runs away. Man this
is tough. Hey man, get off my back.
POET'S CORNER
By Zebulon
We are undercover passion on the run
Chasing love up against the sun
We are strangers by day, lovers by night
Knowing it's so wrong, but feeling so right
CARD OF THE MONTH
By Ozmo
God, Normal is useless. Useless. Utterly useless. Pansy. The card
of the month is the Locutus Trading Card. He would make a cool
looking ally card. Tickle me +1 Scotty. Bleeeehhhh.
DECK OF THE MONTH:
SPECIAL OLYMPICS
By Artemis
Crypt:
2xMarlene the Infernalist
1xSalbatore Bokkenegro
3xArtemis
2xPetru Sipos
1xLolita
3xIan Forrestal
Master:
4 Fortitude
2 Dementate
2 Chimerstry
2 Serpentis
2 Presence
2 Minion Tap
1 Festivo dello Estinto
3 Misdirection
Action Cards:
4 Mind of a Child
4 Mind Numb
4 Sensory Deprivation
4 Mark of Damnation
4 Restoration
4 Precognizant Mobility
Mods:
Stealth
Combat:
Fortitude stuff
Reaction:
Light auspex
After you're done with your prey's vampires,
they couldn't even win participation awards.